Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix
by ronsparkles
Summary: Harry Potter, herocomplex whiner extroardinaire, goes on a quest to find what's causing the awful stench at Number 12 Grimmuald Place. His first battle...A Flaming Bag of Poop planted by Fred & George.


**_Author's Notes: I don't own anything. I was at my friend's house when I started laughing at my own cleverness/stupidity (I think those words are synonymous). I decided that a really funny title would be "Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix." Clever, eh? Well, I hope it hasn't been done before, because then I'll be accused of stealing someone's idea. Ok, well anyway…I don't really know what I'll be writing in another minute, I DO know that it'll be a spoof of some kind and I also know that I need to re-read the book…for the umpteenth time, but I guess you'll find out soon enough._**

_Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix_

Harry was sulking in Dudley's second room, and then, he was sent to Number 12 Grimmuald place, where he continued to sulk. He was on his 3rd hour of wallowing around in his own self-pity, when a horrid stench filled his nostrils. "EUGH, what the hell is that god-awful stench!" the schizophrenic asked.

The schizophrenic is none other, than our least favorite little hero-complex angst-y teen, Harry Potter. Harry's illogical logic immediately took control of his little speck of a brain. "Hmm…" the 'thought' aloud. "There's a wretched smell that's taking over Number 12 Grimmuald Place, and it is my duty to SAVE EVERYONE FROM THE SMEEELLLLLL!"

And, with the battle cry of finding and destroying that horrible stink, he charged out of his room, but only to trip over a carefully placed, flaming bag of poop that was stationed right outside of his door. "AH—FIIIIRREEEEE! AAAHHHH—POOOOOOPPPPPPP!" Harry yelled as he stomped on the flaming bag of poop, trying to extinguish the flames. It only took him an hour. He was very proud of himself, but our 'hero' wasn't the _only_ person proud of himself.

Fred and George were laughing uncontrollably at Harry's attempts to "Defeat Lord Voldemort's Evil Flaming Bag of Poop of _Doom_." They found it especially funny when he realized that the bag of poop's stench _wasn't_ the real Odor of the Phoenix. Harry valiantly continued his quest to find…the Odor of the Phoenix!

Harry stealthily sniffed the air as he inched along the hallway. Suddenly, his nose detected some _very_ disgusting body odor. He wondered whether a person can lose their sense of smell because of horrible scents. "GRAGGHh!" he yelled at the pain his nose was suffering as he approached the second door on his left. Hermione's room. Speaking of Hermione, Harry pondered, he hadn't seen her for about 3 or 4 weeks. She'd been locked inside her room studying and doing extra project after extra paper for Hogwarts.

Harry knocked apprehensively at her door. He waited. And waited. About an hour later, he heard Hermione stand up (or at least attempt to—she had been sitting in her chair without moving for weeks).

"Who is it?" Her voice croaked from inside the room.

"Potter. Harry Potter," he replied. _Very suave, Harry,_ he commended himself with a sense of self-pride. "Can I come in for a minute?" he paused for a moment and finally decided that he could trust her to keep the top secret information of his quest a secret. "I'm on a top-secret mission to save the Order of the Phoenix!" he whispered through the key hole.

"Sure, you are," Hermione sarcastic voice stated. "Just come in, but make it quick. I have tons of work to do still!" And, on that note, she started twitching.

"Um…ok." Harry stepped inside and did a summersault to show off his stealthy stealth-ness. "I'm looking for the **_dramatic pause_** Odor of the Phoenix!"

Hermione twitched.

Harry took this as a cue to continue.

"I originally thought it was Voldemort's Flaming Bag of Poop of Dooooooommm, but as I thought about it, I realized that the stench was still there after a vanquished the Bag of Poop. So, I followed my nose, and it led me here."

"What are you trying to say, Harry?" Hermione asked, already beginning to over-analyze the situation.

"I'm trying to say that your BODY ODOR is the ODOR OF THE PHOENIX!"

"I don't smell!"

"When was the last time you showered?"

"…."

Eight hours later, the approximate time it takes a metro-sexual to take a shower, Hermione Granger came out in a cute outfit, no longer smelling like a skunk or looking like a sea hag. Harry was very pleased with himself…until he realized: something _still_ smelled. The question is _what?_ Harry decided to continue his quest for the Odor of the Phoenix!

Harry left Hermione's room after thanking her for her co-operation and reminding her that showers should be taken at least once every 2 weeks. Harry put his super-smell to the test again and followed the next awful unpleasant smell that he detected. It led him to Ron Weasley's Room. Harry rang the doorbell stationed outside of Ron's room. He contemplated the reason Ron had a doorbell…but then got distracted by something shiny. Ron opened the door, smiling when he saw his best friend.

"Hey, Harry!" Ron grinned.

"Sshh! Look. I'm here because I'm on a quest to find the ODOR OF THE PHOENIX!" he bellowed the end of his sentence.

"Um…okay?"

"May I enter your Fortress of Stank?"

"Suuuree."

"Why do you smell so badly! What is that!"

"Smell? Um…I don't see why I would smell…I just put on this new muggle product called 'Ax'."

"Exactly how much of this "Ax" did you put on?" Harry was suddenly dressed in a Sherlock Holmes-style detective outfit, complete with a pipe.

"The bottle, duh," Ron replied.

"You put the ENTIRE bottle on?"

"Yup!" Ron looked pleased with himself. "Don't I smell masculine? Hermione will like me fo' sho' now!"

"You smell like something dead."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Never put on that much Ax again. On second thought, never put on any Ax again." Harry inwardly applauded himself. He finally found the Odor of the Phoenix. He was happy that he managed to save everyone, but then noticed that the reek was still as strong as ever.

Harry smirked at the thought of this challenge to save the day. He knew that everyone, once again, depended on him saving them. Harry walked down the stairs and ventured to the Laundry Room. He started gagging at the smell that was somewhere in the room. Harry opened the hamper, sniffed, and then closed it again. He did this many times, until he came to one labeled Snape, and began to dry heave at the reek that attacked him.

"Ah ha!" Harry exclaimed. He always knew Severus Snape was still a Death Eater! He discerned that Snape stationed his disgusting laundry inside the Order of the Phoenix in an attempt to kill him, Harry Potter! Harry conjured up some tongs and began picking up the laundry, smelling it, and then lighting it on fire to destroy it. An hour, 10 fire trucks, hazmat crew, and an entire factory of Febreeze later, Harry had finally destroyed the scent. He decided to go inform Albus Dumbledore of his amazing talents and heroicness.

He began marching toward Dumbledore's office in Number 12 Grimmuald Place when he detected the growing God-awful Odor of the Phoenix getting more powerful and murderous. "AUGH!" screamed Harry as he trudged the last few feet to his office, gasping for air as he dragged himself inch after inch. "Prof-prof-professor Du-dumb-Dumbledore!"

Albus opened the door with his super-cool wandless magic powers. "Yes, Harrry?"

"I was on a quest to find the ODOR OF THE PHOENIX!" he gasped.

"I see." Dumbledore was shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"You see—I originally thought it was the Flaming Bag of Poop, then Hermione's Body Odor, then Ron's obsession with Ax, then Snape's dirty laundry, but now…I don't know what to think, and the stench is just getting wor—" Harry yelled, but was cut off by a loud "PFFFTTTTHHHHHHHHHH!"

Dumbledore looked self-conscience and embarrassed.

Harry gasped. "It-it was you! You're trying to destroy the ORDER OF THE PHOENIX! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! IT WAS YYYYYOOOUUU!"

"PPFFFTTTHHHHHHHH!"

"AH! THE ODOR OF THE PHOENIX RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! AAAAHHHHH!"

The Order of the Phoenix burst into song. "_Ee-eew! That smell! Ee-eeww that smell! Can't you smell that smell. The smell that surrounds you_!"

**_Author's Notes: Yes, it was on drugs. Yes, it was stupid. Yes, it was random. Yes, it was funny. Please review! I beg of you!_**


End file.
